Last night while I was contemplating my own existence, trying to will myself to go to sleep, I had a thought. Why did I get a kingsize bed? I mean, its nowhere near enough room for me and my husband + both children. Even if I had three kingsize beds, I would still end up sleeping on a smallest sliver of mattress at the very edge of the bed every. bloody. night.
I try my very best to put them both to bed in their own beds! It never seems to work out. One wakes up to eat every hour, its like milking time at the farm could not come sooner. The other child just wakes up for shits and giggles. He doesn't want anything. He doesn't need anything. He's just waking up because he can. He's reminding me that he is the King of my life. The ruler of this kingdom. Its not like I need to sleep or anything, he could probably run on 4 hours of total sleep. While I dawdle around like a zombie all day he'll still possess the same amount of energy that he seems to have every other day. This is why we don't give him sugar, he's like a crack fiend on it. One minute he's a sweet angel but you give him a sip of your juice and all hell breaks loose. He'll be bouncing off the furniture, trying to climb me using my hair like I'm bloody rapunzel. He's singing. He's yelling. He's on top of the fridge like King Kong, beating his chest. Shit gets crazy. Its like pandemonium up in our house. Anyway, back to the bed thing. People tell you before you have kids, that you'll never sleep again. I never really took notice of that information. They really weren't kidding. Gone are the days where you can have 5 more minutes sleep in. If i did that, I'd wake up to my house upside down. I used to sleep until midday and those days are a distant memory. I asked for a sleep-in for mothers day, even though what I really wanted was a new vacuum (because Noah made a snow storm in my living room using a whole entire bottle of baby powder, ate some of it and then I tried to vacuum it up & it fried the vacuum cleaner). Rule number 345: Don't buy baby powder. EVER AGAIN. For just one night, I'd love to sleep without having a baby toe shoved into my eyelid. I'd love to have an uninterrupted dream of Mike McRoberts telling me I'm beautiful. I want to have my duvet keeping me warm, instead of strangling me to death. I want my pillow to snuggle me the way it should, instead of breaking my neck trying not to suffocate my baby. Its a wonderful life... If you have your own space. Until the kids grow up, I'll have to invest in a bucket of really good concealer to cover up my eye bags and take some kind of weird go go juice supplement to get me running at a normal energy level. Just kidding, i'll eat my veges and drink water + tequila. Until next time, S x
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I'm wearing a black sack today and this happens to be the fourth set of clothes for me.
My son puked all over me, all over my couch, my beautiful white duvet cover and soaked my fucking persian rug in my living room. Whoever said having kids is beautiful, is seriously deranged. Today was a good day... I've been listening to whining and crying all day. There isn't enough tequila in the world for this. I can't deal with one more diarrhoea filled nappy or I will puke as well. Its like K rd on a Saturday night here. Puke and piss everywhere. Somebody help me. Please. I used to be so conscious of what I looked like if I went out in public. I was a smirker at the people who wore pyjamas and slippers to the supermarket. Now I am one. I always did my make up, my hair was straightened meticulously and my outfit had probably been changed about 6 times. Now I really couldn't give a shit if I look like a homeless chucky doll. Underneath all my food covered clothing and my weird smelling hair is a pretty person, I promise. You have to look past my acne cuz I'm probably going to get my period any day now, For the rest of the month I look awesome. My eyebrows might be closer to a single eyebrow until I can get to the mall without my children and see my mates at the $5 threading place. I just have to make do with no "fleek" for the week. I've got all the tools to get myself looking normal I just need some energy to pull it off. Maybe tomorrow? I'm going to sleep for an hour or until I get woken up by a tiny (but extremely loud) alarm clock called Tui. S x Dear Tui,
Having a daughter is scary. You are young now, you have just learnt to stand but eventually you'll be big and beautiful. You will be kind and have a smile so pretty people will stare. Your laugh will be infectious and you might have a lisp when you talk-people might say things but its not so bad. Embrace your curves, they are a gift you do not yet know. Your body is one to be loved and admired. You will love yourself and I will make sure of this. We'll dance in our underwear to the Spice Girls. I will try to give all of my body confidence and then some more for the road. You'll be the kind of woman that people will inspire to be like. You'll be book smart, street smart.. Life smart. I hope you make mistakes. I hope you go out with your friends, that you try to sneak out and go to a party. I hope you meet a boy when you're ready. Don't tell your father I said that. I want you to learn things and see stuff. I want you to question everything and ask why? I hope you love to read like I do. We can share books by Jodi Picoult and talk about Grey's Anatomy. By then Grey will be a classic and we can cry and eat popcorn together. I hope you share your fathers love of music, maybe even a bit of his talent too. I really hope you can forgive easily, that you know I'm just human. You'll slam doors and you'll be grounded a few times- I'm sure! You and your brother might get sent to Granny's house and she might feed you chocolate cake for breakfast. You two will keep this a secret from me but its one I know and one that I expected. You'll tell her things about your life and I'll pretend not to know them already because I'm the type of mother who can keep a secret when it is needed. You'll push our boundaries and test our parenting abilities. We have to be ready for the challenge. I hope one day I share with you my stories. I will have so many to tell you. Your dad will too. One day, when you are ready to hear about them I will share with you how we grew up together. How I was young and had no idea what I was doing. You'll see my hair turn grey, my wrinkles will come. I'll be older on the outside but i'll try to remember to keep it young on the inside. When you tell me I do my eyebrow make up too dark I'll try not to beat you up. When you start using mascara and make your eyes look like spiders and foundation that is closer to an oompa loompa's skin tone, I will try REALLY hard not to laugh because I love you. I'll try to make sure you can rap every single word of lose yourself by Eminem just because of the cool cred you can get from this. I will say no a lot. I will try to protect you from things when I know that deep down, you are capable of handling the situation because I taught you well. I'll put my arms out and try to hold your hand in public, deal with it. I might yell out of the car window and beep just for shits and giggles. My mother did it to me-its basically a right of passage. I'll drink wine and make delicious food just like my mother taught me. I will try to be patient. When you take my hand and show me things, when you open up to me or when you want my help i'll be there. When you cry, i'll cry. When a boy hurts you, I will take a shovel and bury that motherf.. Ok, no I will sit on your bed and tell you he is a shithead. We'll laugh and hug it out. When you have your first day at school, your first kiss, your first dance, your first baby if that is what you choose- I will love you still. Always. You have so many people who love you Tui, so much family and friends. You and Noah are so loved. Your dad and I will spend our lives making sure that you both know this. Love always, love big, love forever Your mama S x For the fourth night in a row, I'm lying in my bed alone at 10pm. I just got Tui to sleep and I had to rely on tinkerbelle to put Noah down after a day of chaos. My house looks like we were robbed.
There are so many instances in the day where I think to myself, I'm so alone. I have no one. I'm surrounded by tiny people and I still feel isolated and lonely. I speak about myself in the third person all day. "Mummy is tired, mummy can't do that right now, mummy is feeding baby Tui, Please leave mama's hair alone Noah". The alternative is speaking in a baby voice. There is no real adult conversation and my husband is exhausted when he arrives. His face literally hits the pillow and he is out. I'm lying awake at 10pm because this is the only quiet time I have. This is my time to shower or read, to write here or listen to music. To go to the bathroom without being heckled or have my toilet rolls thrown at me. I need this for my own sanity. Lying awake at night, breastfeeding... It limits the times you can do things and where you go. It is really isolating too. I sit awake at night time at least 3 or 4 times to feed my baby in the dark. I don't need my husbands help so I just stare in to the night. Going shopping or to a family event, you feed alone as well. Bathrooms and changing rooms. Listening to the fun from a bedroom. Alone. I could join playcentre, SPACE or some other coffee group but I just can't stomach the awkward first interactions. I don't like new things. It makes me uncomfortable. Turning up late gives me anxiety and I don't want to be the new girl. I know, I'm making excuses and being childish. If I want to get some adult interaction I'll have to pick up my balls but by the time I have Tui and Noah showered, (semi) dressed and ready to go, its time for one of them to sleep and one to eat. I just can't be bothered any more. It is times like now, when I really don't enjoy being a mother. I'll change my mind once I have a decent sleep. I can't decide whether to rest or enjoy the quiet. I need a break. Staring at the screaming kid in the mall and thinking "jesus, shut your kid up already" I would think about how I could've done better. Differently. Walking through a shop or seeing kids at the doctors with parents giving them lollies and giving in to temper tantrums, getting their way so easily. I was the perfect parent in my mind before even having kids. I knew everything about everything. I knew I would never give my kids a dummy or feed them preservatives, I could never have a baby that cries on a plane or kicks up a fuss at the dinner table - because "I'm going to be better than that."
What an idiot. You cannot begin to understand how crazy parenting is until you're smack-bang! in the middle of it. You don't get to judge a mum in the supermarket with a screaming kid who is throwing your bacon and best foods mayo out of your trolley and smashing down the display towers. You don't get to make comments about them. It is embarrassing. You get all flushed and do this weird half apologetic/half mental smile that says "I'm okay, I'm not going to lose it yet". You race to get what you need and definitely have no time for what you want. You'll reach the checkout and hope that the lady serving you can tolerate a little kid trying to pay for your food with half of a chewed cracker smeared on the eftpos machine. She'll return a little smile but secretly hopes your kid keeps his hands to himself. You can reach your car after power walking through the carpark and hope that your kid doesn't start to lose his shit right there before you can chuck them into the car and close the door. Throwing all your groceries into the boot and jumping in the car in record time. You'll take a breath and think to yourself "never again". But you know that next Thursday when you run out of normal people food (e.g.: not sausages and baked beans) and toilet paper, that you'll have to return here and do it all over again. Fuck. It is exhausting. I am exhausted. |
About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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