For the fourth night in a row, I'm lying in my bed alone at 10pm. I just got Tui to sleep and I had to rely on tinkerbelle to put Noah down after a day of chaos. My house looks like we were robbed.
There are so many instances in the day where I think to myself, I'm so alone. I have no one. I'm surrounded by tiny people and I still feel isolated and lonely. I speak about myself in the third person all day. "Mummy is tired, mummy can't do that right now, mummy is feeding baby Tui, Please leave mama's hair alone Noah". The alternative is speaking in a baby voice. There is no real adult conversation and my husband is exhausted when he arrives. His face literally hits the pillow and he is out. I'm lying awake at 10pm because this is the only quiet time I have. This is my time to shower or read, to write here or listen to music. To go to the bathroom without being heckled or have my toilet rolls thrown at me. I need this for my own sanity. Lying awake at night, breastfeeding... It limits the times you can do things and where you go. It is really isolating too. I sit awake at night time at least 3 or 4 times to feed my baby in the dark. I don't need my husbands help so I just stare in to the night. Going shopping or to a family event, you feed alone as well. Bathrooms and changing rooms. Listening to the fun from a bedroom. Alone. I could join playcentre, SPACE or some other coffee group but I just can't stomach the awkward first interactions. I don't like new things. It makes me uncomfortable. Turning up late gives me anxiety and I don't want to be the new girl. I know, I'm making excuses and being childish. If I want to get some adult interaction I'll have to pick up my balls but by the time I have Tui and Noah showered, (semi) dressed and ready to go, its time for one of them to sleep and one to eat. I just can't be bothered any more. It is times like now, when I really don't enjoy being a mother. I'll change my mind once I have a decent sleep. I can't decide whether to rest or enjoy the quiet. I need a break.
2 Comments
A friend
8/9/2015 10:51:05 pm
I so relate to this. Everyone needs a break sometimes!
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Carla
9/9/2015 07:12:32 am
I feel ya!! I seriously feel like you picked this out of my very own brain and typed it out..... mummy life!!!
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About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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