I know I normally create rants of disapproval or complaints about parenthood but today, I've changed my tone.
Why is it that the stock standard female body has become a 14-16, yet the general sizes at the mall available are either x-too-small-to-go-near-all-of-dis or xx-holy shit no? Obviously, as a mum, I tend to wear stretchy, comfortable clothing on a day to day basis but honey, I like it tight on the weekend (if I'm going out). Have you ever wished you could go back to the very first time "you thought you we're fat". At 14 I thought I was so huge, all i wore was black, baggy, shapeless clothing when I could have been rocking anything! I'm fab at any size to be honest, I can rock a 16 and a 12. I've never been "small" cuz I have hips and boobs (shot mum), which is good, I love them. There is lots of "problem areas" that could use some work but I like food. Is that a crime? no. I have some tips for people who think they are too large but are actually totally normal. 1. Wear what you want. Literally, anything. If someone tells you that your cellulite is hanging out, slap them back with a "Its meant to be bitch". 2. Eat what you want, life is WAY less fun when you have to eat grass clippings for dinner.. Am I right? 3. Marry an islander, Tongans love them taro thighs, chicken wings, and crispy breasts. Theres more to love so its a win, win. Nobody wants to "hug" someone and get stabbed in the liver with a bone. 4. Take naked photos of yourself. I do it all the time and then I spam my husband (if you don't have a husband, just keep them and use it as a confidence booster). In fact, I think he's sick of it. (Probably not lol). Use dim lighting, put on matching undies, if you have them and get all sexy and shit. Put some Riri on in the background, that'll get you going. 5. Cut ALL of the tags out of your clothing, no matter what size you are. I think putting a number like that on someone is so NEGATIVE. Its made me feel like crap so many times! Just because your sexy ass fits into a 12/14/16/20 or whatever "size" the universe says you are.. it shouldn't effect how you feel about your bod. Fuck what society says, you can be sexy at any size. P.s I'm having a shit week so I thought I'd write about something that makes me happy. P.p.s Ashley Graham is life!
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Its too hard today.
I'm just not enjoying being a mother. I lie awake at night thinking about what I can do differently, what I need to change but I don't even have any effort left to do anything about it. I'm feeling like I have to give so much of myself, its almost impossible to function on a normal wavelength. I'm fantasising about leaving and starting a new life somewhere where people don't need me to be anything. I can never do that but I feel guilty for even thinking it. I can't sleep in my own room without one or both children coming in at some point in the night.. EVERY NIGHT. I can't lock my door so don't even make suggestions on this. I hate that I can't do what I want to, when I want to. I want to go on a date night without organising a babysitter or begging my mother to watch them both last minute because I want to drive over a cliff. I need a cigarette and I don't even bloody smoke! I hate that I can't hang out with my kid-less friends without organising it weeks in advance. I can't handle all this pressure. I'm not mature enough for this shit. I can't even look after myself, why did I think I could look after a child.. THEN I WENT BACK FOR MORE. What is wrong with me? I hate that i'm responsible for another human life. Every aspect of their life is consuming me. I have all the "mother" duties. I'm jealous of my husband who works 50,60,70,80 hour weeks. Right now I'd trade places. People always say to me "but you'll miss them if you go away/out/on holiday".. I really don't miss them. I try not to think about parenting when I don't have to. I don't like talking about my children. I don't like sharing birth stories. I am selfish. I like being by myself. I'm not ashamed to go to a movie alone, infact that sounds like heaven. I am angry today. I hate being a mother today. Consistency is exhausting, I want to yell. I catch myself being cold to Noah, talking to him angrily and then I try to make up for it and let him know I love him. I'm going to fuck them up somehow.. probably emotionally. I want to be a good mother but I also want to be a good "me". How can I do both? I hate being a mother today. I really need to write something positive.. to balance this out lol.. |
About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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