Its too hard today.
I'm just not enjoying being a mother. I lie awake at night thinking about what I can do differently, what I need to change but I don't even have any effort left to do anything about it. I'm feeling like I have to give so much of myself, its almost impossible to function on a normal wavelength. I'm fantasising about leaving and starting a new life somewhere where people don't need me to be anything. I can never do that but I feel guilty for even thinking it. I can't sleep in my own room without one or both children coming in at some point in the night.. EVERY NIGHT. I can't lock my door so don't even make suggestions on this. I hate that I can't do what I want to, when I want to. I want to go on a date night without organising a babysitter or begging my mother to watch them both last minute because I want to drive over a cliff. I need a cigarette and I don't even bloody smoke! I hate that I can't hang out with my kid-less friends without organising it weeks in advance. I can't handle all this pressure. I'm not mature enough for this shit. I can't even look after myself, why did I think I could look after a child.. THEN I WENT BACK FOR MORE. What is wrong with me? I hate that i'm responsible for another human life. Every aspect of their life is consuming me. I have all the "mother" duties. I'm jealous of my husband who works 50,60,70,80 hour weeks. Right now I'd trade places. People always say to me "but you'll miss them if you go away/out/on holiday".. I really don't miss them. I try not to think about parenting when I don't have to. I don't like talking about my children. I don't like sharing birth stories. I am selfish. I like being by myself. I'm not ashamed to go to a movie alone, infact that sounds like heaven. I am angry today. I hate being a mother today. Consistency is exhausting, I want to yell. I catch myself being cold to Noah, talking to him angrily and then I try to make up for it and let him know I love him. I'm going to fuck them up somehow.. probably emotionally. I want to be a good mother but I also want to be a good "me". How can I do both? I hate being a mother today. I really need to write something positive.. to balance this out lol..
1 Comment
QueenB
28/7/2016 05:09:10 pm
love your blog Latifah
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About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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