This isn't easy for me to write but I've never been one to have a lot of close friends. I sometimes think it is because I'm a bitch or hard to get along with but to tell you the truth I'm not really sure why. I have a few friends and a best friend. I'm one of those people that doesn't need to see said friends frequently to keep the connection going. I don't like to be clingy or feel like I'm being annoying. But i'll tell you what, making mum friends is the scariest thing ever.
I'm in the in-between age. Not a teen-mum but too young to really be one of those playcentre, coffee group mothers that seem to have their lives so organised they literally plan each and every detail of their days (this is really intimidating for me). I'm not overly confident about it either so when I'm faced with meeting new mums I feel really awkward. I've met a few older parents in their later 20's to 30's that I feel like we just can't relate to each other or they just look down on me because I'm young. I don't really know how to talk to them or if what I say will be met with judgement because I've started my family at a young age. I have met mums who assumed I was older but when they find out my age, they suddenly treat me differently or talk to me condescendingly after I tell them I'm twenty one and married. They ask me if I am a christian or why I decided to get married so fast, if my parents approved, if my husband is a sugar daddy (he wishes), if I was forced to be married and other really weird questions. In my ante natal group, we made friends with one other couple that we have stayed in touch with (and happened to give birth on the same day, next door to us!) but other than that none of us really made the effort to connect. We were all really different people, different backgrounds.. and I think it would have been cool if we did try to get a group going afterwards but it never eventuated into anything (and I'm a pussy and didn't try and make the first move). I have made a couple of awesome friends through SPACE have some friends from school that have had babies, that I regularly see. I really don't know what it is that makes me so uncomfortable about making friends. I think I might be scared of the way people might judge me or my parenting. None of us are doing it the "RIGHT" way I think. There is no 'one way' to raise children. I made a general guideline of what I think a mum friend should be; 1. Can't be too serious about life. Can make jokes about the perils of motherhood/fatherhood. Can see the funny side of being shit on. Sense of humour is a must! 2. Likes to eat cake. Chocolate will do too. 3. Enjoys alcohol. Just cuz. 4. Has a child that doesn't sleep through the night so we have something mutually sucky to converse about, occasionally can't be bothered getting dressed, thinks pj's are an appropriate way to greet the courier, eats pizza. 5. Is understanding of the fact that two children = not being able to go out a lot, will find it hard to 'go for coffee' in the week, can't do lots of fun outings because we're poor lol. So, next time you're on the playground, at playgroup, in the shopping centre or at ante natal group.. If a mum is asking you how old your baby is, if you have one or more or just any generalised parenting question or even how you are- she is probably just trying to make a friend. Winter is the worst time to be a stay at home mum because you get stuck inside a lot! It gets lonely when everyone has their own lives going on. I want some of those friends who text/call and are like "on our way over" or "going to chipmunks are you coming or what"? That would be awesome. I'm totally making myself sound like a loser in this post. I will try to make a new friend this week. That is my goal. Smile and wave boys, smile and wave.... S x
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If you don't know what a crunchy parent is this is the closest I've come across to a description
http://www.littlecrunchy.com/2012/08/what-is-crunchy-parenting.html I think everyone is a little bit of this but sometimes people mistake it for the hippy, vegan, alternative parents that eat placenta, wear weird merino clothing and breastfeed their 5 year olds or something and you'd be partly right! But there are so many different things that define crunchies. For us this health/food aware life style was forced upon us and we'll never look back. I love being the parents that people always think are crazy, overprotective and overbearing. It makes me smile because in a way, I'm actually kind of proud of it- its hard work and we work hard to keep Noah safe (Its hard work trying to be calm as well!). When we tried to enrol Noah in to childcare we visited 5 different places before we stumbled across Mcleod Kids. At each one of the centres there was something wrong. One had explained to me that they were experienced with food allergies but didn't know the difference between an intolerance and an allergy. The next had set a visiting time for us to come when there would be no food around, yet we showed up to a huge table with bowls of cereal and milk everywhere! Children sharing drink bottles and un supervised cups of milk splashed all over the show. I left that one as fast as I could. I try to be calm about Noah's food allergies when I talk about it because nobody likes a moaning Myrtle and we don't want to be the parents that people dread dealing with. I like to think I'm more of a relaxed helicopter parent. I hover slightly but not as much as I've experienced before. Noah is a typical two year old boy- Wild, free and unstoppable. There is no changing his personality and that is perfect for us! He is a handful and we have an added 'stress' to our lives but really, he isn't any different to your kid. He just can't eat certain foods. He will tell you this. His favourite new phrase is "is it safe for Noah mummy?" which is music to my ears! You might think its sad he wont ever eat ice cream or a cheesy omelette but he hasn't ever tried those things and he wont miss them. To be honest, we've cut out so much shit food anyway he is the poster boy for food health I reckon (No eggs, dairy, limited sugar intake, limited additives/preservatives, sulphates and heaps of other things that make his skin worse ect). My mother always said "everything in moderation" so he does enjoy a lolly or safe cupcake sometimes. We aren't monsters. Food allergies happen when your immune system makes an oopsie. Normally, your immune system protects you from germs and disease. It does this by making antibodies that help you fight off bacteria, viruses, and other tiny organisms that can make you sick. But if you have a food allergy, your immune system mistakenly treats something in a certain food as if it's really dangerous to you. The same sort of thing happens with any allergy, whether it's a medicine (penicillin), pollen in the air (from flowers and trees), or a food, like eggs or milk. So the thing itself isn't harmful, but the way your body reacts to it is. People die from these reactions all the time. These are the 3 most common things people say to me when I talk about Noah's allergies: 1. "Most kids grow out of allergies, Noah will too." Well, thanks for that brilliant insight Dr insert name here. I didn't know you had a degree in Medicine or that you specialise in immunology. If he does that will be amazing and if he doesn't we will just continue what we are doing. Your comment is unwanted, untrue and it doesn't make me feel better. 2. "Oh I can't have milk either, it gives me diarrhoea/a sore tummy" This is not an allergy. This is an intolerance. There is a big difference between the two. Please don't compare your intolerance to a life threatening allergy, you can't die from drinking a cup of milk. You might just shit like a waterfall for a bit and thats cool - because you're still alive. 3. "So he can't eat this cake/cracker/chips/lolly?" *Disappointed face* No he can't! This isn't even an allergy mum concern. This is a "I don't want my child to eat the food and there isn't anything else to be said" concern. I don't appreciate being undermined in front of my kid so please, no means no. I think the biggest thing Tonga and I have learned from Noah's situation is attitude. It is all about attitude. We are positive. Some people say that being over bearing can be damaging to your child later but its not something we will regret. We are keeping him safe (as much as you can with a two year old). There are still incidents and if you have ever parented a two year old, you will know that trying to keep an eye on them 100% of the time is mission impossible. They are super fast and super sneaky. He is like a little assassin. He might accidentally inject himself with adrenaline, have an egg smashing/sugar stealing party at Granny's house, slash his eyebrow open on the bricks outside, break a few things at home, ride his bike into a bush x10 , steal Aunty Moomoo's MAC lipstick and smear it all over her new car, visit the hospital numerous times... But he is still the most loving, precious boy in our world and he is livin'. Do I look uncomfortable to you? This is me and Tonga, about 8cm dilated and trying to coax Noah out with a nice relaxing bath. Think again. He didn't want to come out (that should have been an indication of Noah's stubborn personality). I think my uterus was a really nice place to live. Both of my kids went overdue, TEN DAYS too many and I was over it. I wanted to reach inside and pull this little nugget out myself but I had to wait. I tried everything! Lunges, pineapple, curry, walking (I hate exercise).. I even held a chocolate bar to my vagina to see if the baby was like his mother.. Nothing was working. I went in to hospital after my contractions started to get stronger and closer together. My midwife had told me to wait for pain and suffering but that wasn't coming around so I starting getting worried like any first time mum; I was questioning why I did this to myself? Would I rip my buthole like that weird lady in the shopping carpark said? Did I have enough time to straighten my hair? All these really important questions circling my mind. I really wanted to eat something but my midwife said I couldn't. That was probably my worst nightmare come true. Thanks Tonga and mum for eating Mcdonalds in front of me. I wanted a water birth but really had no solid birth plan, I'm more of a see-what-happens-and-then-panic type of gal. Plans are made to fail and failure upsets me so I avoided the stress of deciding. Instead I went with the flow as I had no idea what to expect and I'm really glad I did. Even though the contractions got pretty intense near the end, I was never in extreme pain. I was really excited and ready for this 1000kg sack of flour to be born so I could finally stand up straight and see my feet again. I got into the water and it slowed everything down again! I was so pissed. My midwife made me walk up and down a hill outside the hospital. I was walking and cursing my midwife at the same time. I had to stop a few times because the sun was scorching me and I was just generally mad at her for making me do exercise (aint no body get me running unless its to the fridge or the dinner table). My mum was watching me out of the window to my birthing room and laughing. She is the devil. I got back and tried to have a little nap. When I awoke, I felt like I needed to crap my pants. It was time to push and I was thinking... holy shit this is it, I'm about to bring a human into the world through a really small hole. I'm basically a super hero. Noah was born at 6:19 pm, on January 27th. I remember looking at my mum and saying I could do that again. Well, those were famous last words. When I was in labour with Tui it felt like I was being ripped open by a shark. My contractions were so painful. I couldn't do anything, I wanted to go in to the hospital early and I got sent home because it wasn't even near the right time. I couldn't believe it. I wanted all the drugs the universe could provide. I was prepared to give myself a bloody epidural with a pencil. I wanted to suck the gas. I wanted X, Y, Z and any other prescription medication/alcohol/illegal drugs I could have gotten at that time in the morning. I was staring at Tonga driving me home with a stare that could have burned holes in his face. I wished he would be castrated to feel the same kind of pain I was feeling. That wouldn't have even come close! I tried to dull the pain in the bath at home, my tears starting filling up the bath. My mum was trying to make me feel better by adding oil and candles. I wanted to light myself on fire for deciding to do this for a second time. I vowed right there and then, to never have sex again. I went in to hospital later that day, had an epidural and I felt like I wanted to marry the doctor that gave it to me. I told her she was an angel and I was going to name my baby after her. Her name was really long and complicated so in the end I decided against that. Besides, I can't be held liable for the things I say when on drugs. She was the real superhero that day. My whole body felt like jelly and I could no longer feel the burning in my stomach. I pushed for ages, I probably pooed myself. When you give birth, you gotta leave your dignity at the door. In the beginning you care about what you look like, who will see your business end.. and all that. When you're in the middle of it, you wont care if the entire team of All Blacks are in there to see you crap yourself. People say you forget the pain after you've given birth but that isn't the case. I made a mental note to remember this time so I don't do it again. My husband has other plans for a rugby team and I told him if he can squeeze one out of his penis, then he can go right ahead. If you are about to have a baby, good luck. It is an intense experience. One that you'll never forget! Trust your body and go with the flow. Here is some never before seen (recently stumbled upon) pictures of me looking like absolute shite, trying to give birth to Noah. Until next time, S x Personally, I have been on the receiving end of racist slurs and it has kind of made me ashamed of my culture. I always hide the fact that I'm Maori and I've always considered the fact that my skin is fairer, which in turn makes it harder for people to tell; lucky. I know that Maori people have been associated with negative things in our society and I have had people ask me things like if I receive a benefit or If my dad has more than one 'baby mama'. There are so many successful Maori out there but some people only remember the bad. At the museum I had a man point out my daughter's darker skin colour and say "Oh my god, look at that brown baby", screw up his nose and walk away. That kind of shocked me.
I've never really known my Maori culture very well. I always considered my dad a 'Queen Street Maori' but he grew up like any rural maori kid out in the waps. My Dad hardly ever spoke of his culture and my Mum knew the Maori language from her years as a teacher. I tried Kapa Haka in intermediate but it didn't last long. My Dad's side of the family lives about 8 hours away in Masterton and we don't really see them all too often. I feel like so many people lose their culture because they're ashamed of it. I never want Noah or Tui to feel like that. My mother is European, very blonde, blue eyed and doesn't look anything like me. I get people asking me and my sister if we are adopted and it makes us laugh. I used to wish that I was born with that same blonde hair/blue eyed combination and I've died my hair numerous times to try and get the same look. I'm not sure why or how this obsession with trying to be a different 'colour' came about. My mother once said a woman told me at 3 years old that "brown skin is bad" and I tried to scrub it off in the bath so maybe that has something to do with it.. I have no idea. I married a Tongan man, my children are half Tongan, half Kiwi and I love it. I want them to know their Tongan culture, to speak the language, to be able to learn the history of their family. It is really important to me. My husband's second language is English, his family speaks Tongan and they know their family history well. I see it as lucky but for him its normal. I wish I took those opportunities to educate myself on my own culture because I'll always see it as a piece of myself that I still don't know. My extended family has more than 7 different cultures ranging from European to Samoan and it isn't something to be ashamed of.. Its something to celebrate! Diversity makes life interesting and to be honest, I'm tired of people looking at my mum like she's some 'Angelina Jolie'. No, I'm not adopted from Africa and YES, she is sure. Mum had two kids with a brown dude and BAM here we are. Chocolate babes. Just kidding ha ha.. We're more like Hersheys Kisses ;) A new parents guide to sleeping, feeding and pooping from an incredibly inexperienced mother. I use guide as a loose term. Very loose. Think Kim Kardashian in her Ray J phase. Its more of a funny way of looking at a self inflicted hazing ritual. Bringing your newborn home from the hospital can be exciting. Especially because you think all the hard-work is over and your vagina is shot to hell so hey, it can only go up from there. News flash, the tiny human can't do anything for themselves. Thats where you come in. Welcome to the world of feeding, sleeping (in tiny, fleeting moments), pooping and trying to fit in anything and everything into the twenty minutes that the baby sleeps during the day. In case you thought that a baby just slept all day like in movies, that isn't real life. I get asked on a regular basis if 'my baby is a good baby'.. What does that even mean? "Does she sleep at night"? No, she bloody doesn't. She doesn't know what sleeping is. What it means. How much I love sleep, how I long to have more than 2 hours of non-broken sleep.. She doesn't know any of this yet. I'm telepathically sending her messages of sleeping and how good it is. She's sending them back to me like "f*ck you mum, I'm staying up all night and theres nothing you can say or do to change my mind". People often offer advice on baby sleeping too, that is my pet hate. I don't want to know if your cousins, brothers, sisters, neighbours, friend has a newborn that slept through the night because you dipped the bottle in rum or you found some natural powder remedy from the amazon jungle that is like a magic cure for babies that wont sleep. Keep it to yourself please. Kids don't sleep so you better get used to it or buy some speed. If you're trying to breastfeed, well... props to you my friend! Breastfeeding is such an awesome thing to do. Just don't try to look at your breasts after you've finished. You might as well buy a belt to tie your boobs up when they start sagging to the floor. One of the many benefits of breastfeeding is that your husband gets to sleep all night long. No, no.. you stay snoring like a train is going to hit me square in the face hunny. Its fine.. I don't need sleep. I only have to do everything else too.. Its nothing major. I get mad sometimes because I feel like all I ever do is sit and feed the baby. Get used to that feeling because boy, do they eat. They eat like a starving bear. Sucking like there is no tomorrow! The positive of breastfeeding is that it helps to take the baby weight off. You know what I'm taking about.. The late night chicken nugget runs, the pizza fest you had, those secret milkshakes you thought no one knew about. OH yeah... its all there, that little sack of fat that laughs at you in the mirror. Invest in a tunic or always wear black like me. Like my soul. Just kidding, you've had a beautiful baby so be proud of it! Stretch marks and all! So that brings me to this.. Imagine you're sitting with your baby and you hear a small earthquake coming from underneath them. They make this grumpy expression and in a flash, its over! They have this angelic, relieved face and a weird smell wafting from underneath. No, it wasn't a quake. It was the butthole. Its not pleasant and it smells like rotten milk, sweet potatoes and something dead. Oh yes, its time. The dreaded nappy change. I force myself to enjoy it because even though they are cute and adorable, you're probably going to have to endure this until your kid is about 3. So, smile. It might smell like crap in your house so buy a candle and let it rip. Kids poop and theres really nothing you can do. I'm lucky enough to have both a baby and a twonager. A twonager is like a smaller version of a 13 year old. A pocket rocket if you will. They have all the attitude, sass and wit that a teenager has but in a smaller, more irritating package. They can fit in to smaller spaces, find things that even Sherlock Homes would have had trouble with, climb walls like Tarzan and they'll eat all your food. You might be thinking at this point that it is a far better option to get a puppy but a puppy can't provide the entertainment that a twonager can bring to the table. If you think you're an awesome candidate for survivor well.. you got another thing coming with twonagers. It is mission impossible to get any kind of verbal answer that doesn't include no. They will test you more than your high school english teacher even knew how to. Your brain could turn to mush with all the Disney programs you'll have to consume and every minute of the day you'll be wishing you could just have something cleaned, cooked or washed but that is just not an option. Its a great learning curve, being a mother. You learn so much about yourself for example; how little patience you possess, how many pairs of black stretchy pants you might own, how your hair can still look 'great' without being washed for a week and much, much more. So if you're ready for the challenge, heres a test. Pick up all of your belongings, all the contents from your handbag, every couch cushion, all the kitchen pots, pans and lids, a bit of food, some shampoo and your shoes and dump them all on your living room floor. Now pick it up again. Do this until you are one head shaving away from Britney Spears a la 2007. Then do it one more time while crying and cursing your existence. Ok, you are ready! Welcome to parenthood! |
About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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