A new parents guide to sleeping, feeding and pooping from an incredibly inexperienced mother. I use guide as a loose term. Very loose. Think Kim Kardashian in her Ray J phase. Its more of a funny way of looking at a self inflicted hazing ritual. Bringing your newborn home from the hospital can be exciting. Especially because you think all the hard-work is over and your vagina is shot to hell so hey, it can only go up from there. News flash, the tiny human can't do anything for themselves. Thats where you come in. Welcome to the world of feeding, sleeping (in tiny, fleeting moments), pooping and trying to fit in anything and everything into the twenty minutes that the baby sleeps during the day. In case you thought that a baby just slept all day like in movies, that isn't real life. I get asked on a regular basis if 'my baby is a good baby'.. What does that even mean? "Does she sleep at night"? No, she bloody doesn't. She doesn't know what sleeping is. What it means. How much I love sleep, how I long to have more than 2 hours of non-broken sleep.. She doesn't know any of this yet. I'm telepathically sending her messages of sleeping and how good it is. She's sending them back to me like "f*ck you mum, I'm staying up all night and theres nothing you can say or do to change my mind". People often offer advice on baby sleeping too, that is my pet hate. I don't want to know if your cousins, brothers, sisters, neighbours, friend has a newborn that slept through the night because you dipped the bottle in rum or you found some natural powder remedy from the amazon jungle that is like a magic cure for babies that wont sleep. Keep it to yourself please. Kids don't sleep so you better get used to it or buy some speed. If you're trying to breastfeed, well... props to you my friend! Breastfeeding is such an awesome thing to do. Just don't try to look at your breasts after you've finished. You might as well buy a belt to tie your boobs up when they start sagging to the floor. One of the many benefits of breastfeeding is that your husband gets to sleep all night long. No, no.. you stay snoring like a train is going to hit me square in the face hunny. Its fine.. I don't need sleep. I only have to do everything else too.. Its nothing major. I get mad sometimes because I feel like all I ever do is sit and feed the baby. Get used to that feeling because boy, do they eat. They eat like a starving bear. Sucking like there is no tomorrow! The positive of breastfeeding is that it helps to take the baby weight off. You know what I'm taking about.. The late night chicken nugget runs, the pizza fest you had, those secret milkshakes you thought no one knew about. OH yeah... its all there, that little sack of fat that laughs at you in the mirror. Invest in a tunic or always wear black like me. Like my soul. Just kidding, you've had a beautiful baby so be proud of it! Stretch marks and all! So that brings me to this.. Imagine you're sitting with your baby and you hear a small earthquake coming from underneath them. They make this grumpy expression and in a flash, its over! They have this angelic, relieved face and a weird smell wafting from underneath. No, it wasn't a quake. It was the butthole. Its not pleasant and it smells like rotten milk, sweet potatoes and something dead. Oh yes, its time. The dreaded nappy change. I force myself to enjoy it because even though they are cute and adorable, you're probably going to have to endure this until your kid is about 3. So, smile. It might smell like crap in your house so buy a candle and let it rip. Kids poop and theres really nothing you can do. I'm lucky enough to have both a baby and a twonager. A twonager is like a smaller version of a 13 year old. A pocket rocket if you will. They have all the attitude, sass and wit that a teenager has but in a smaller, more irritating package. They can fit in to smaller spaces, find things that even Sherlock Homes would have had trouble with, climb walls like Tarzan and they'll eat all your food. You might be thinking at this point that it is a far better option to get a puppy but a puppy can't provide the entertainment that a twonager can bring to the table. If you think you're an awesome candidate for survivor well.. you got another thing coming with twonagers. It is mission impossible to get any kind of verbal answer that doesn't include no. They will test you more than your high school english teacher even knew how to. Your brain could turn to mush with all the Disney programs you'll have to consume and every minute of the day you'll be wishing you could just have something cleaned, cooked or washed but that is just not an option. Its a great learning curve, being a mother. You learn so much about yourself for example; how little patience you possess, how many pairs of black stretchy pants you might own, how your hair can still look 'great' without being washed for a week and much, much more. So if you're ready for the challenge, heres a test. Pick up all of your belongings, all the contents from your handbag, every couch cushion, all the kitchen pots, pans and lids, a bit of food, some shampoo and your shoes and dump them all on your living room floor. Now pick it up again. Do this until you are one head shaving away from Britney Spears a la 2007. Then do it one more time while crying and cursing your existence. Ok, you are ready! Welcome to parenthood!
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About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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