Oh hey there, we haven't seen each other for a while. I have been racking my brain to find something to write about and I think I'm about to touch on something most people I know have experience with. For the last 8 months, I have been suffering from depression (white knuckled and in denial at first) which is pretty fucking hardcore. I don't sleep even though my kids do (most nights). I spend hours on hours thinking and re-thinking things. Some days I don't leave my bedroom. My husband has spent so many hours trying to come up with a solution which he knows just doesn't exist. I threw myself into a job, decided to do things to keep me busy.. Caught up with people I haven't seen for a while. None of it made me any different because at the end of the day, I went home to the quiet. My husband works 70+ hours a week. I have support with the kids but I'm always alone. You actually never know what someone is like behind closed doors. People don't really know the real Sarah, I am always the funny girl. The class clown, the loudest person in a room. I always smile. People always ask how I'm so confident. I'm not. I am the opposite but a long time ago, I learnt to hide whatever feelings were perceived as negative because when people ask "how you are" society has taught us that it is normal to be "good". But what if you aren't good? When I became a mother, I had this idea in my mind of what I thought I needed to be. I had seen mothers around me being model mothers for years, people who pre-planned everything. List makers. A-types. The mums you see in parenting magazines with perfect hair. Who cooked everything from scratch and used excessive hand sanitiser. That just isn't me. Ok... I use the fucking sanitiser. Shoot me. I lost myself for a while, I spent months drifting. I was drinking too much and partying to find a release, spending far too much time doing things that weren't good for me. I just wanted a life back, to separate myself from the mum-robot I had become. We had originally discussed moving to Australia for Tonga's career. He's in such a specialised field, it's almost impossible to find a job outside of a main city, which is where I didn't want to be. The thing is, I have no right to be depressed. I am a privileged person. From the outside, I have the perfect life. A loving husband, two healthy children, a home.. Everything we need. Things come to me easily in life. I am good at many things. I'm an intelligent person. I am attractive when I don't look homeless. Yet, I feel things that I shouldn't. I feel dark. I am sad a lot. There isn't any particular reason for it. I had an amazing childhood, full of mad hatters tea parties and play dates. Home made baking and so many friends. My mother gave us what she could and more even when she couldn't. I was spoilt. How are you meant to get to the problem when you aren't even sure what it is? Over these past months I have had more doctors appointments, health scares, prescribed multiple bullshit drugs and seen councillors and psychologists just to "fix" whatever has gone wrong in my head. At my darkest point, I looked at my husband and told him I didn't want to be here anymore. He's scared for me, he's agreed to live apart for a year just so I can move up North to find something else. Find anything else to be excited about. In my mind, I know he's going to struggle with it too. Why is it that feelings are so hard to talk about? What is it that makes us so uncomfortable about telling another person how you're feeling? The reason I write here isn't so you'll read this, it's so I can get it outside of my mind. One day, i'll look back on this and think "wow, what a bad place I was in". But the point of that sentence is the part where I said that i'll look back. Because I'll be here. Living. Anyone who feels like this or genuinely has no one else to tell, I will listen. I can't give you advice, I'm not even sure how to fix my own life but I'm a good listener. I wont listen to respond, I'll listen to understand. Its fucking scary but it's nice to know someone can hear you.
2 Comments
Irene
9/5/2017 10:25:54 pm
I love you Sarah .Every bit of you .❤️❤️
Reply
Hope
10/5/2017 08:44:16 am
You are amazing, courageous and beautiful girl! You are a blessing to so many people - 💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
Search through my old posts here
August 2016
|