Recently, my mum and I travelled to the Gold Coast with a day's notice.
My nana is in hospital with end stage cancer and we wanted to see her before things start getting worse. (I don't know if thats what you say, I'm not experienced with this at all). I know that most of my blogging is light hearted and a little bit sarcastic but this is a more serious post. I'm mostly writing this for me, so if you don't care to read about this then thats cool. To fully understand this situation, I have to take you back to Year 11 in High School. While going to school, I had moments where I didn't fit in. I always felt like I had no real friends, that I was constantly trying to prove myself. I made some mistakes with the people that I thought were my friends. They used false information to bully me. Hacked into my Facebook page and posted disgusting things on it. There were actually a few physical fights as well during this time and it just made things worse. This is hard for me to write about because I don't normally let people in on my 'feelings'. Ive always had a way with words and sometimes those words got me in to trouble. I started to lose a lot of weight, my parents made me seek counselling and a whole heap of other stuff. Some girls from school burned my clothing and took pictures of me while I was getting ready for PE. It got way out of hand and I decided at the beginning of year 12 to leave school. I needed a way out and decided to move to Australia with my Nana. My mum and dad tried to talk me out of it but me being me, didn't listen to a word they said. When I got there, she gave me a choice between finishing school and getting a job. I chose to finish school and thought this would be a good way to have a clean slate. I was there for a month before anyone even spoke to me. Everyone in my class was either there because they were forced to be or because they were trying to get in to a University. I wasn't either of those things and the classes got boring because I learned all of this stuff at school. I started mucking around because I thought I knew everything. I didn't. I made one friend called Bex who introduced me to a few other people in Melbourne. I started drinking and partying too much and I became someone I didn't like at all. Someone who didn't respect themselves. I was depressed. I couldn't come home because I didn't want to admit defeat. After an incident with getting to school, I ended up being kicked out. My cellphone was taken away and I wasn't allowed to get my belongings back. I had no clothes, no money and nowhere to go. I ended up sleeping at a friends house whose Mum took me in, she was amazing. So loving and really cared about me! I will always remember you Ange, you we're like a second mother to me. I was scared about what would happen, I had never been in a situation like this. At 17, I wanted my mum more than ever. A month later, I was able to contact my mum and she sent me money to come home. I think this really took a toll on mine and my Nana's relationship. I felt like she had betrayed me. I think my mum had a strained relationship with her to begin with so it never started off amazing. After that, I didn't speak with her again. Its been about 5 years until a couple of weeks ago my Uncle told us she is dying. I felt mixed emotions. Mostly angry because I felt like the situation was my fault. I could have had all this time to reconcile with her, we used to be really close. I never did because I let anger get in the way of family. Visiting someone in a place where there is so many people at the end of their lives is scary. This is the first situation that I've experienced any kind of serious illness like cancer. I wasn't sure what to say or do. It is really confronting to face something like this. I was scared because I hate seeing my mum upset! It just about kills me to watch her in any kind of pain. I was terrified my Nana would tell us to leave or ask us why we even came, when we haven't been around the entire time she has been sick. I brought Tui along because I'm still feeding her so I was a bit weary that she might cry a whole lot as well. She doesn't sleep much. We were only in the Gold Coast for 3 days. I wished I could stay longer. Heading home from any kind of trip is the worst part, but leaving someone when you don't know if you'll ever see them again is pretty awful too. I'm hoping to go back but we can't afford to take any kind of trips at the moment. Every time I think about it, it makes me sad. I'm sad that I missed out on all this time with my Nana, that I wasted time that I could have spent with her. In the end, all we have is time and there is nothing worse than wasted time. When I measure my life in time, I think about spending it with my babies. I think about Sunday family dinners. I think about going out on night missions with my squad Mel & Drew. I laugh about the silly games me & my husband play at night like "who can come up with the funniest laugh". I think about cooking with my mum and taking Noah to the park. I remember all the gossip sessions my sister and I have when we're doing our make up together. I will think about skyping my Dad & Kerry on Saturday afternoons. I'll remember spending time with my best friend and dancing in her living room to Celine Dion. I smile thinking about having huge jam sessions at the Folk Festival every year, with a whole heap of instruments playing the best music you'll ever hear. Campfires in the summer and movie nights in winter! The times I spent time with the people I love. Doing the things I love. That will be how I measure the success in my life, all of the times I am happy.
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About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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