I went blonde!
From dark brown. With a box dye. YES, A BOX DYE. Actually, it was two box dyes. I feel so fucking bad ass that it worked.. wouldn't it be great to walk around morange for a while. Hair is hair, if I don't like it.. well it grows back. YOLO. If you're wanting to know how I did it.. Well step one was to go to the Warehouse.. choose a trusty old box of Nordic blonde L++ and cross my fingers. The first round went a slightly more noodle shade of yellow. It was epic but I thought, hey maybe i'll just chuck another one in two weeks later (to let it heal... or whatever hair does). Boom, almost white. I brought some Fudge for $16 from Beauty Bay and now I can keep it a silvery colour until my regrowth comes through. I'm not recommending that anyone else try this nonchalant approach to hair maintenance because you might actually care what the turn out is. I am so cheap, instead of paying someone $750 and giving my left tit, I DIY'd.
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Oh hey there, we haven't seen each other for a while. I have been racking my brain to find something to write about and I think I'm about to touch on something most people I know have experience with. For the last 8 months, I have been suffering from depression (white knuckled and in denial at first) which is pretty fucking hardcore. I don't sleep even though my kids do (most nights). I spend hours on hours thinking and re-thinking things. Some days I don't leave my bedroom. My husband has spent so many hours trying to come up with a solution which he knows just doesn't exist. I threw myself into a job, decided to do things to keep me busy.. Caught up with people I haven't seen for a while. None of it made me any different because at the end of the day, I went home to the quiet. My husband works 70+ hours a week. I have support with the kids but I'm always alone. You actually never know what someone is like behind closed doors. People don't really know the real Sarah, I am always the funny girl. The class clown, the loudest person in a room. I always smile. People always ask how I'm so confident. I'm not. I am the opposite but a long time ago, I learnt to hide whatever feelings were perceived as negative because when people ask "how you are" society has taught us that it is normal to be "good". But what if you aren't good? When I became a mother, I had this idea in my mind of what I thought I needed to be. I had seen mothers around me being model mothers for years, people who pre-planned everything. List makers. A-types. The mums you see in parenting magazines with perfect hair. Who cooked everything from scratch and used excessive hand sanitiser. That just isn't me. Ok... I use the fucking sanitiser. Shoot me. I lost myself for a while, I spent months drifting. I was drinking too much and partying to find a release, spending far too much time doing things that weren't good for me. I just wanted a life back, to separate myself from the mum-robot I had become. We had originally discussed moving to Australia for Tonga's career. He's in such a specialised field, it's almost impossible to find a job outside of a main city, which is where I didn't want to be. The thing is, I have no right to be depressed. I am a privileged person. From the outside, I have the perfect life. A loving husband, two healthy children, a home.. Everything we need. Things come to me easily in life. I am good at many things. I'm an intelligent person. I am attractive when I don't look homeless. Yet, I feel things that I shouldn't. I feel dark. I am sad a lot. There isn't any particular reason for it. I had an amazing childhood, full of mad hatters tea parties and play dates. Home made baking and so many friends. My mother gave us what she could and more even when she couldn't. I was spoilt. How are you meant to get to the problem when you aren't even sure what it is? Over these past months I have had more doctors appointments, health scares, prescribed multiple bullshit drugs and seen councillors and psychologists just to "fix" whatever has gone wrong in my head. At my darkest point, I looked at my husband and told him I didn't want to be here anymore. He's scared for me, he's agreed to live apart for a year just so I can move up North to find something else. Find anything else to be excited about. In my mind, I know he's going to struggle with it too. Why is it that feelings are so hard to talk about? What is it that makes us so uncomfortable about telling another person how you're feeling? The reason I write here isn't so you'll read this, it's so I can get it outside of my mind. One day, i'll look back on this and think "wow, what a bad place I was in". But the point of that sentence is the part where I said that i'll look back. Because I'll be here. Living. Anyone who feels like this or genuinely has no one else to tell, I will listen. I can't give you advice, I'm not even sure how to fix my own life but I'm a good listener. I wont listen to respond, I'll listen to understand. Its fucking scary but it's nice to know someone can hear you. This week Noah, you are learning heaps of new and exciting new things! You have taken a real interest in your penis and flopping it out at the most inappropriate times. We are trying to learn that penises stay inside the undies. This morning you put Tui's fairy wand in your bum. You thought that was a good idea. However, we're probably going to need to learn a few new rules about this. You are also learning to make your own toast. Particularly, you love to cook 7 pieces and never eat them. You love to take the marmite jar and smear the black gloop anywhere and everywhere so I can enjoy cleaning it all up because according to you "thats my job", Other things that i've been informed by you, that are my "jobs" include getting you things, wiping the crap off your butt, cleaning daddy's mess up, making Netflix work and various other things that I clearly enjoy. We've discussed this week how baby Tui feels when you push her over and after explaining 20,509 times that she really doesn't like it you still like to check that theory one last time. I think we could work on some more empathy skills here.. but what would I know? I'm just mummy. We seem to have moved on from Trains and Transport play this week to guns and shooting people. Your teachers tell me that you have been discussing how people feel sad when they get shot, which I can imagine to be true. I don't think that would be ideal. You build your guns and shoot at targets which sounds very exciting. Will you turn out to be a serial killer? Probably not but if you do.. Maybe target practise isn't such a good idea for a toddler. What learning is going on here? I think you are learning about rules and how far you can push mummy until she wants to stab you. You are very interested in the world around you and you ask so many questions I can't keep up sometimes. You are learning to be a nice human and not a douche, which is awesome. We also made a secret handshake this week. Thanks for being you. I know I normally create rants of disapproval or complaints about parenthood but today, I've changed my tone.
Why is it that the stock standard female body has become a 14-16, yet the general sizes at the mall available are either x-too-small-to-go-near-all-of-dis or xx-holy shit no? Obviously, as a mum, I tend to wear stretchy, comfortable clothing on a day to day basis but honey, I like it tight on the weekend (if I'm going out). Have you ever wished you could go back to the very first time "you thought you we're fat". At 14 I thought I was so huge, all i wore was black, baggy, shapeless clothing when I could have been rocking anything! I'm fab at any size to be honest, I can rock a 16 and a 12. I've never been "small" cuz I have hips and boobs (shot mum), which is good, I love them. There is lots of "problem areas" that could use some work but I like food. Is that a crime? no. I have some tips for people who think they are too large but are actually totally normal. 1. Wear what you want. Literally, anything. If someone tells you that your cellulite is hanging out, slap them back with a "Its meant to be bitch". 2. Eat what you want, life is WAY less fun when you have to eat grass clippings for dinner.. Am I right? 3. Marry an islander, Tongans love them taro thighs, chicken wings, and crispy breasts. Theres more to love so its a win, win. Nobody wants to "hug" someone and get stabbed in the liver with a bone. 4. Take naked photos of yourself. I do it all the time and then I spam my husband (if you don't have a husband, just keep them and use it as a confidence booster). In fact, I think he's sick of it. (Probably not lol). Use dim lighting, put on matching undies, if you have them and get all sexy and shit. Put some Riri on in the background, that'll get you going. 5. Cut ALL of the tags out of your clothing, no matter what size you are. I think putting a number like that on someone is so NEGATIVE. Its made me feel like crap so many times! Just because your sexy ass fits into a 12/14/16/20 or whatever "size" the universe says you are.. it shouldn't effect how you feel about your bod. Fuck what society says, you can be sexy at any size. P.s I'm having a shit week so I thought I'd write about something that makes me happy. P.p.s Ashley Graham is life! Its too hard today.
I'm just not enjoying being a mother. I lie awake at night thinking about what I can do differently, what I need to change but I don't even have any effort left to do anything about it. I'm feeling like I have to give so much of myself, its almost impossible to function on a normal wavelength. I'm fantasising about leaving and starting a new life somewhere where people don't need me to be anything. I can never do that but I feel guilty for even thinking it. I can't sleep in my own room without one or both children coming in at some point in the night.. EVERY NIGHT. I can't lock my door so don't even make suggestions on this. I hate that I can't do what I want to, when I want to. I want to go on a date night without organising a babysitter or begging my mother to watch them both last minute because I want to drive over a cliff. I need a cigarette and I don't even bloody smoke! I hate that I can't hang out with my kid-less friends without organising it weeks in advance. I can't handle all this pressure. I'm not mature enough for this shit. I can't even look after myself, why did I think I could look after a child.. THEN I WENT BACK FOR MORE. What is wrong with me? I hate that i'm responsible for another human life. Every aspect of their life is consuming me. I have all the "mother" duties. I'm jealous of my husband who works 50,60,70,80 hour weeks. Right now I'd trade places. People always say to me "but you'll miss them if you go away/out/on holiday".. I really don't miss them. I try not to think about parenting when I don't have to. I don't like talking about my children. I don't like sharing birth stories. I am selfish. I like being by myself. I'm not ashamed to go to a movie alone, infact that sounds like heaven. I am angry today. I hate being a mother today. Consistency is exhausting, I want to yell. I catch myself being cold to Noah, talking to him angrily and then I try to make up for it and let him know I love him. I'm going to fuck them up somehow.. probably emotionally. I want to be a good mother but I also want to be a good "me". How can I do both? I hate being a mother today. I really need to write something positive.. to balance this out lol.. |
About me
Sarah. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Adrenaline auto injectors are not funded in New Zealand, Please sign the petition to change this. Our family is affected by anaphylaxis as are so many others. You can make a difference!
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August 2016
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